Enjoyed your trip report, well written and funny. Sounds like a trip or two that I have taken to Vegas only one was with my drunken just this side of a coma brother who came home with a split lip and cracked tooth when he 'charlie horsed' me walking in a casino. Keep up the good work

Maybe the most entertaining trip report I've read here- had me LOL'ing repeatedly. I'd be fuming over that 2nd KK hand in the tourney in particular. Interested in hearing your take on the IP's impersonators. I saw them too on a Very Brief stroll through their.. um casino? Love your take on all the salty personalities that are part and parcel of Vegas poker tables, that's partly why I'll fly cross country to be there instead of driving the short trip to Atlantic City -- Vegas is Always full of interesting characters. Thanks and...

Definitely waiting for part 2.

I agree. Very entertaining and am waiting for part 2. I can all too well relate to these drunken situations.

Is the 20 buck thing a bribe then?? I'm staying at sahra next month will it work there!!

There's a whole thread, and in fact a web site (FrontDeskTip.com) on the $20 trick. More of a tip than a bribe as upgrading your room isn't illegal or corrupt.

Great report. Keep writing!

Nice 1 apparanlty the sahra has a a 72% success rate so should be ok cheers guys!!

This made me laugh out loud (especially the part about throwing Shamu off the monorail). Someone at work just asked me what's so funny. How do you tell them you're reading about Las Vegas when you're supposed to be working? Thanks for the chuckle.

Monday

I finally get moving around noon after a quick trip to the pool and a shower. Flamingo pool is pretty nice and worth the trip to look at boobies and such. I make my way to the Venitian food court for a quck bite. If you haven't been there, the Italian place at the end is awesome. 2 slices of pizza or a Calzone as big as a football plus a refillable soda are less than 10 bucks. Highly recommended for gamblers looking for a cheap meal wanting to save for drinks and poker. Again, I have more than enough bankroll to eat well but total cheap ass away from the table.

Belly is full and ready to play 1-2 NL at the V. This is my favorite place to play in Vegas. The room is nice, the chairs are great, the dealers are fast and the floor people are competent. The waitresses are smokin and if you order a shot you get like half a gallon to suck down. Plus, I have never lost here in about 7 sessions. This will change.

I buy in for $250 because that is what I have in lose bills and want to get them out of my pocket. Keep the hundreds. The max is $300 for the 1-2 game here for those of you that don't know. I sit down in the 5 seat and the guy in 7 has like $1900 in front of him. The guy in 6 has like 400. I want to move left but a list has been started already. I quickly get up close to $375 and have a pretty good read on the table. Feeling pretty good about things as an hour in I'm close to even for the trip. Guy in seat 6 moves to 8, wins $200 of the huge stack and huge stack leaves. Seat 8 now has like $600 and I move to his left. He is not a very good player although he thinks he is great. I like my seat change and know I am going to win exorbitant amounts of money for 1-2. The poker gods quickly smack me down for having such high hopes and proceed to screw me in ways that make you think it would be rigged if it were online. However, I actually watched people play this garbage and witnessed it with my own eyes which I later would wish I poked out with a sharp stick.

Hand #1; 2 limpers and I raise it to $12 on the button with AJ. The BB who had been playing a 'little' lose calls me along with one of the other limpers. Flop is J-4-6. Pot has around $40 in it and I bet $25. BB calls. Turn is Q. He checks and I detect something and check it back. River is a 2. He bets $25 and I call. BB has Q-4 offsuit? Good call. Q4 has a lot of value in BB when you flop bottom pair. Glad I only lost 62 bucks to it. I guess I'm old and not up to speed on the value of calling with Q4 in the BB for 6x.

Hand #2; I'm in sb with AQ. Folded to the button with the big stack. He raises to $10 and an obvious attempt to steal the whole $3 that is out there. I look down at my hand and decide to just call in an attempt to flop big and let him bet out. Flop is Q--10-4. I check, button bets $15 and I raise to $40. He re-raises to $75. Does he have a real hand here for once? I call and the turn is another 4. Check Check. River is a 8, I check and he bets 40, I call and he has J-9. NH. I'm not happy with how I played the hand but in hindsight, he calls even if I push on any street the way he plays. Stack is down to $150 while his is up big.

Big stack then decides to make some stupid swirly tower of chips and show everyone that it's not already obvious to how big of a donk he is. Then wants to push every hand to the limits. Loses quite a bit quickly just not to me. An extremely tight young guy sits down and doesn't play anything 2 seats to my right. About an hour in he raises and big stack re-reaises, tight guy makes another raise (hand should be obvious by now). Big stack re-raises and tight guy pushes all in for around $300. Big stack looks at his cards and says 'well, I guess I'm beat but I call anyway'. Tight guys says 'well I'm ahead right now for sure' and shows his AA. This should be obvious to the blind and deaf but apparently not the dumb as big stack looks mildly surprised and keeps his hand down and doesn't show anyone. Flop comes and he announces he hit a set. No aces on turn or river and big stack shows 10-10 for a set. How can anyone think their 10's are good for a 4 bet here against the tightest guy at the table? It boggles the mind sometimes.

Hand #3; I have played very few hands the last 90 minutes and my stack is still around $150. I should get respect when I raise it to $12 with JJ after a couple of limpers. The button calls 12 cold as do 2 limpers. Flop is 10c2d3d. I bet out $30 on this safe flop and the button raises to $75. Everyone folds and I decide to take one off and make sure the diamond doesn't hit the turn before committing. The turn is a 3 and I bet 50. Button moves in and I call. River is an ace and button tables 2-3 offsuit for a full house. I hate JJ but usually I can beat 2-3 with it. I guess this hand is my fault for not betting $25 here to force out the power that is 2-3 offsuit in good position. NH

Reload for $300. A maniac comes and sits on my left and it's obvious he and big stack have played each other before. They go into raising wars 2 of every 3 hands and the guy on my left wins ALL of them. I actually like my position and I'm waiting for the right time to triple up vs. both of them. About an hour later I have $250 left and really haven't done anything except take up space. The big stack that had $800 and hour ago is on full tilt and has less than I do. The new big stack maniac gets up from the table and goes for a walk when this hand comes up.

Hand #4; A couple of limpers including the guy on tilt and I have A-10 in late position. I realize everyone is limping up front to play with the guy on tilt trying to stack him. I feel like my A-10 is ahead of all of them and raise to 12. I'm right and I get one reluctant caller plus the guy on tilt. Flop is 10-4-3. I bet 25 and tilt calls. Turn is 3 and there are 2 clubs on board and I have one. I bet 50 and tilt moves in. I tank and if I call, the pot will be around $425. I call and announce I have a-10. Normally I will show when all the money is in but this guy doesn't so I don't either. He says 'I didn't really think you had the 10. I'm on a draw'. What do you think I had then genius? Better that a-10. Total air? Did my tight image portray 7-8 offsuit here? Anyway, he's on a draw so I assume clubs or 5-6 straight draw. River is J of purple horseshoes. 'I hit the Jack'. WTF!!! I expect him to turn over J of clubs with another club but no. J4 offsuit, zero clubs. What kind of f***ing draw is J4 offsuit on that board?? A draw?? Are you f***ing kidding me? And you dont think I have at least the 10. At this point I have him covered--remember about an hour ago he had 800. I would of had over 475 and down only 75 on the day even after the 2-3 and the Q4 hands. Instead, now Im down 500 and have 50 left in front of me. J4, WTF. I'm standing up in disbelief and starting to get it under control when the very first Vegas chip runner who has to be 80 years old comes over and looks at the board and says 'thats a nice hand'. Ya, J4 is a great hand grandpa, thanks for your comments. "It was really well played also". I usually don't get to pissed over hands but I'm steaming on this one. This is a bad beat story that doesn't even make sense. I've had worse statistical beats, one and two outers, blah blah blah, but this one is total horses**t. This one will stick with me for a while.

I have about 50 left and decide I'm not going to rebuy since I'm on tilt. If I can run this up to $200 or so, probably go take a nap and get ready for an all night session. 20 minutes later a raise to 10, one caller and I look down at AK. I push for my last $43 and the tight ass in seat 1 cold calls my 43. AK also?? Everyone else folds and I think we're going to chop this up since he just called. No chance. AA v AK. Have a nice walk back to the Flamingo. I know I can beat this game but realize Im on tilt, have 3 days left and go back to take a nap. 4 1/4 hours -$550

After a quick nap, maybe like 20 minutes of nightmares with Jacks and 4's in them and an hour of counting holes in the ceiling I'm ready to go. I grab Bill and announce I'm getting drunk with him at the IP playing low limit. We get there and Bill surprisingly wants to play 1-2 NL instead of 2-4 limit. Ok, I can beat the IP 1-2NL game drunk. A new table starts up and I am seated in the one seat. A tight guy from Kansas City in seat 2, a Canadian that Bill and I hound to death for the next 5 hours in seat 3, Bill in 4, a loose player in 5 and tourists fill our the rest of the table. 20 minutes in, seat 9 calls and I raise to 10 with AK on the button. Folded back around to seat 9. Flop is K-J-6. I bet 20 and he calls. Turn is 4. I bet 40 and he calls. River is a 9 and he checks and looks at me quickly to see what I will do. I check and he shows me 9-9. Well played. Fun day so far.

I start ordering Long Island Tea's quickly. I'm on my 3rd when I get 33 in the BB. There are 13 limpers in this hand and the flop is 3-5-7. I bet 10, the old guy from KC makes it 20 and there are 4 CALLERS back to me. 4 people cold call 20?? I think I'm good here based on the tourists at the other end and make it $120 total. Everyone folds to the nice looking lady at the end of the table who thinks about it and puts in another $20 and is all in. No way she has 55 or 77 since she just called the 20. She's been playing tight so maybe a big overpair-KK? The nice lady couldnt have 6-4 could she? Of course she could. The turn and river blank and I just lost $140 to someone that had to re-check her hole cards to make sure she should call with the nuts. I'm officially running bad. Then to make it worse I take the cards and flip them face up towards the middle of the table. However, when I release them, one of them catches my finger, flies off course and hits the nicest lady in Vegas right in the forehead. She had said maybe 10 words the whole night, was forced into having one drink by her friend and I hit her in the head with a card. This isnt even the same lady that just flopped the straight--which actually might have been worse. I apologize profusely to her, the dealer and the table. She really doesnt seem to mind but I still feel like crap. I've never hit anyone with a card and now I've just tried to impale the most innocent Mary Poppins clone ever in a city full of sinners. I'm an arse.

I cap off to 200, order some more alcohol and decide to use the restroom as an excuse to get off tilt. The restroom is right by the Dealertainers. YES!!! This is what I need to change my mood. 3rd rate impersonators lip-syncing in a 4th rate casino. The first one I see is Cher. Looks a lot like her actually right up to the plastic face look made of recycled milk jugs and wiffle ball bats. Next is Mariah Carey. Not so much in the face but large cans, skinny waist and light skin. Ok, Imperial Palace, I will give you this one. Next is J-Lo. Looks nothing like her even with sunglasses on as big as hubcaps but a nice round caboose so I can see where the IP is going here. The 4th one is hard. This lady is old, skinny, brunette and very wrinkly. Has to be around 60. I study her because I want to figure this out before looking at the name tag. After a couple minutes I still have no clue and have to look at the tag. Faith Hill!!!!!! Are you kidding?? I literally LMAO and have to re-check the name tag through the tears in my eyes. Yep, there it is, Faith Hill. My mood is instantly changed by the comedy that Imperial Palace has hidden in plain sight and I am re-energized to check-raise stupid tourists and win my money back.

Back to the table and the nice lady with my money and the nice lady I hit with the card are both leaving. I apologize again and all is forgotten. Lets play some fu**ing cards. I tell the story of the incredible aging Faith Hill and entice everyone to go take a look. They laugh and its off the races. A very aggressive middle aged Asian man sits in the 8 seat. After a lap or so there is one limper and he makes it 30 to go. I have every intention of folding everything but KK and AA so I look down and find JJ. Crap. I hate JJ and with my luck today, this is not a good sign. I tank, decide he wouldn't or at least shouldn't do this with a hand bigger than mine and make it 60. He's all in for 80 total and shows AJc. Nothing helps and I've won my first big pot in a day and a half. I battle slowly back while Bill is sliding downhill both physically and with the chips. He played well on his first 150 and then loses it all. A reload now to $150 and I know this won't end well. I try to tell him but it's no use as he's plastered already. A new player to his left raises and Bill calls. The flop is checked to the new player and his chest is visibily heaving up and down as he bets. I see this instantly but Bill doesn't and wouldnt know what it meant anyway. The guy bets as much as he feels comfortable with and Bill loses most of his stack to AA with his JJ. If nothing else, I take this as my sign to slow down on the hard liquor and switch to Sam Adams. I forgot to mention Bill's drink is vodka and diet coke and he has at least 30 a day. Im not exxaggerating. Bill loses his second buy in and is broke on Monday. We leave Friday. I'm ready to leave the lap of luxury that is the IP anyway but decide to tell the Canadian one last joke. 5 hours. -$52

2 Canadians are sitting in a bar drinking Labatt's and playing 20 questions. The first guy tells the 2nd one to think of something that will be really hard to get. The 2nd guy thinks it over and comes up with something. The first one asks again if its going to be really tough to figure out. He is assured it is and 20 questions begins. (Secretly the answer is a 'moose c*ck')
C #1)-Can you eat it?
C #2)-Laughs a little and says yes I guess you could eat it.
C #1)-Is it a moose c*ck?
You either hate or love this joke. You have to know Canadians. Sorry if you hate it. The Canadian loves it however and laughs uncontrollably into a fit of seizure. I take this as my cue to leave as I have just caused a heart attack at the same table I hit a lady with a card at. On the way out, I point out Faith Hill to Bill and he doesn't believe me. I tell him to go look at the tag on the table and laughes right in front her when he sees it. What a douche.

Back to the Flamingo for some late night drunken 2-4 limit. I loan Bill $100. The one hand I truly remember is this. It is worthless to try and force anyone off a hand as is typical with any late night low limit game. However, Bill is in the sb and raises retardedly when I look down at AA for the first time all week. I re-raise and get a couple callers anway. Flop is A-6-2. Bill bets and I raise. Still 2 more callers. Turn is a 2. Bill bets and I raise. Everyone but Bill folds. This time Bill re-raises me I tell him I have AA and re-raise. He calls. River is a J. Bill bets and says he has an ace. I look at the board, know he wouldnt have raised with 22 pf, tell him again that I have acessssssssssssss, not just one, have to raise him so the table doesnt think I will slowplay him and throw 8 bucks in the middle. He calls with AJ. Well played Bill. The guy on Bills right cracks up and asks him why he kept betting. I didnt think he had it. 'He told you he had it twice'. I then asked Bill why he bet into his only friend in Vegas on every street and these comments fly right over him. A little later I'm falling asleep at the table after losing a couple pots, its 5 in the morning and I'm up in a session for the first time on this trip playing poker in Vegas. Bill is up $100 and decides he should play 1-2NL. Time for bed for me. 2 hrs. +37. 4 Long Islands, I shot of tequilla, 7 sam adams. The day sucked however and I'm down $565 today and $734 for the trip. I'm not trying to brag about poker skills here or anything but I just don't lose like this. Terrible start for me and I feel like I will have to win a tourney to get back to even and we all know how I run in tourneys. So its off to bed for me to think about Tuesday's play. Nothing can happen on the way to room right? Wrong.

I walk into the restroom before heading up to my room. I'm washing my hands when I notice a short Hispanic guy in the mirror. He is walking around the bathroom throwing his shoulders around like he's looking for a fight. He's like 5'5" and not very stocky. Im about 6', 200 lbs and one thing I know how to do is kick an ass. That being said I still don't want any shit in Vegas at 5 in the morning. About that time a fairly large Asian man (Im guessing Korean) about my size walks in and the Hispanic guy walks right into him. The Korean apologizes even though it's obviously the Hispanic guy's fault and continues walking. The Hispanic guy turns around and starts challenging and cussing at the Korean guy. Korean guy says 'Hey, I apologized even though you ran into me, so leave it alone.' Hispanic guy--'F you', lets go!! and starts walking towards him. Korean guy has a very full bottle of water in his hand and goes Roger Clemens ala Mike Piazza on him. This is one of those moments when everything goes in slow motion for me. I see the bottle turning sideways in mid-air and can actually read the label even though it's going by at about 90 miles an hour. It turns completely sideways right before impact and smashes into short Hispanic guys face. He steps back stunned and wobbles around a little bit. He then turns to me with a confused look on his face. I tell him not to look at me cause there's no way I'm helping him out. He turns and walks out of the bathroom. I completely lose it and ROTFLMAO. The tension leaves the room and the Korean guy starts laughing also.

me-that guy was about to get his ass kicked
Korean-ya he was, I know karate
me-ya, me to
K-seriously?
me-no, i dont know any karate
K-lol, me either
me- why did you say that then?
K-I dont know, thought there was still a chance you were with that dude
me-nope, not me, have a good night, that was some funny sh**

Tomorrow-Casino Royale, Wynn, Downtown and Bill gets slapped

Doesn't everyone know karate after a night of drinking? I do!!

Water bottle karate, I would pay money to see that.

Great trip report. I saw a few crazy players myself on my last trip to Vegas (last week). I remember this one drunk guy at the 1-3 NL table at the Excalibur. The flop was A-J-4 rainbow with two guys in the pot. First guy goes all in for the rest of his chips for around 150 (into a pot of about 100). Drunk guy says "I am not a good player and I think you have me beat, but I am on a lucky roll this trip, so I will give you the choice. If you want me to call, I will. If you want me to fold, you can take whats in the pot...your decision." The all in guy, says, it's your decision, play it the way you want to. Drunk guy, says, no you make the choice. All-in guy says ok, call me. All in guy has A-J for two pair. Drunk guy has 3-4 offsuit. Turn is a 4 and river is blank. That was true gambling and had nothing to do with poker, but I guess this guy was really lucky. Go figure.

Tuesday morning

I get to the room shortly after 5 in the morning and laugh myself to sleep after about 1/2 an hour. The water bottle incident in the bathroom of a Vegas casino at 5am is truly one of the most surreal moments in my life. Korean dude threw like Nolan Ryan and the conversation afterwards was truly flawless. I thought I was making more out of it than it was but everyone I tell thinks it's hilarious.

8am-Door opens

Bill- Dude, I'm an idiot
Me- I know, go to sleep
Bill- No, seriously. I'm a total f'ing moron.
Me- Seriously, I know. Let me go to sleep.
Bill- Let me tell you what happened. (Damnit Bill, its hard enough to sleep in Vegas, much less with light coming in the windows, maids in the hall and you telling me what I already know)
Me- Ok, what did you do.
Bill- I took the $100 you gave me and doubled it playing limit. Then I went over to 1-2 NL.
Me- So you lost it there?
Bill- No, I doubled it again and was up to $400. (Now I'm actually listening) Then I went and played Blackjack.
Me- You dumbass.
Bill- I know. I lost it all in like 3 minutes. It was 8 hands.
Me- You played poker all day, grinded it out, got all your money back in a game you can beat and gave it back playing $50 a hand in BJ? You idiot. Now I cant even have it.
Bill- What do you mean?
Me- You took it out of the poker community. Thats $400 that can never be won in poker by anyone and now the Flamingo has it. Why would you lose it all in 8 hands? Why not just play like 10 a hand?
Bill- It was actually 6 hands. 50, 50, 50, 50, 100, 100.
Me- You're a dumbass. Go to sleep
Bill- Can I borrow $300?
Me- If you shut up, I'll leave it on the desk when I wake up.

11am-I wake up and my stomach is just blasted from the alcohol. I know I should eat but can't and I can't sleep or focus either. Leave 300 for Bill on the desk. Time for my yearly Craps session.

Casino Royale baby!!! The hidden gem on the strip for cheap craps play. I walk in and immediately get the dice at a full table. I bet weak at craps since I usually have no luck and personally suck rolling the dice. I bet $3 on pass line and roll a 10. A whopping $5 to back this up and off we go. A couple of numbers later, here is my 10 again. Ship It. 2-7's before starting another point. A couple numbers hit and I hit my point again. Hot Shooter!! Now, there all kinds of bets being placed. $24 on the 6 and 8. Max odds on the point. The geriatric crew is on at the Casino Royale however and getting to roll the dice once every 2 1/2 minutes is average. I'm 33 and I bet I'm less than half the age of the youngest dealer at the table. Except the pit boss. He looks about 17-go figure. Like a clown I never up my bet even though everyone else does. I order a bottle of water and when the waitress comes back I tip my usual buck. She grabs my ass!! If I wasn't married, she wasn't taller than me (6'0") possibly larger than me (200 lbs), not wearing a huge knee-brace and remotely attractive she might have a shot. However she stands no chance today and it's back to the dice. This is not the last time I will be hit on by a casino employee today (details later). I roll the dice 30-35 times total and hit 4 points. However, I never upped my bets and win only like $85. The table win has to be in the thousands. I feel like a dope but the way I'm running in poker, $85 seems pretty good. I give $15 back in tips and on the next guy that obviously does not know how to roll as good as I and leave $70 ahead. I play BJ switch for a few hands and get up when the dealer forgets to deal the guy on 3rd base with money in play and then forgets to ask the rest of us if we want to hit our hands. No one beats the dealer service at the Royale. A quick lunch at Chipotle-cheap and easy on the strip, try to take a nap and off to the Wynn for poker and waitress watching.

Tuesday evening/night
When I wake up mid-afternoon, Bill is still dead to the world. Time for more poker. A long hot walk to the Wynn and I’m ready to go. I love this place. It seems like the Wynn hired the hottest waitress from each casino and employed them here. Not to mention, just the overall appearance of the women that play here is incredible. Anyone who thinks women aren’t moneygrubbers is insane. Vegas proves this. All the hot chicks hang out in the nice casinos with the guys’ with money. When was the last time you saw a group of hotties at Circus Circus?

Anyway, back to poker. I get on a 1-3 game and buy in for 300 after a 15 minute wait. One of the guys from the table during the Venetian explosion is here-not the idiot. He looks at me and asks if I’ve recovered yet. I have and I’m ready to win. He tells his friend ‘that’s the guy from the Venetian I told you about’. His friend says he would have killed the J4 guy on site. I considered it.

Hand #1—I am dealt KJ in the cutoff and call. Flop is KK-10. Early position guy bets, I call and so does the button. Turn is a blank. Check, bet 40, fold, call. River is a 10. Check, bet 50, call. Ship it. Up 120 on the first hand.

Unfortunately, that’s the biggest hand I win all day. I hover around 50-100 up all day and my back is killing me. I’ve never had a massage’ and always wondered how it would be at the table. $2 a minute, 10 minute minimum. Sold to the hot massage girl for 10 minutes. If you’ve never done this, I have to recommend it. I know massages are a lot more than 20 bucks usually and this is worth it. My back is already feeling better and did I mention this chick is smokin hot. Then she massages my hips? Not sure what this is for but I’m not complaining. Why won’t this chick grab my ass like the one at Casino Royale? I guess that’s what happens when you add class and good looks to a girl. Try it out sometime, def worth 20 bucks. Bill calls when I’m up a whole 2 bucks on the day after 3 ½ hours. We agree to catch buses downtown and meet up there. Bill has never seen the twilight zone that is downtown Las Vegas. I drop my $2 winnings in a slot machine and leave the Wynn even on the day plus a massage. Chalk it up as a win.

One notable thing happens on the bus ride downtown. I’m on the top level and about halfway there, this guy behind me starts telling everyone in ear shot that he and his wife got married at one of the 35 wedding chapels between the Stratosphere and downtown. When we pass it, he starts yelling out ‘that’s the one right there’. Real classy place I must say. The kid across the aisle who must be 10 years old rolls his eyes at me and he cares as much as I do. Now this guy has attention from some people and starts cussing up a storm right in front of this kid who apparently is on this bus with no one in particular. The more attention the guy gets, the louder and more obscene it gets. When we get downtown, the bus driver comes on the horn and says ‘Everyone see the horse down there?’ Ok, everyone see what’s next to the horse? (It’s the bus pickup sign and he wants to make a point for everyone to meet here). Instead of taking in this piece of information, loud mouth asks ‘Is it the horse’s pecker?’ Young kid rolls his eyes again and says very loudly “what a jackass!’ I laugh way to loud on purpose and Mr. Douchebag doesn’t say anything getting off the bus.

I meet up with Bill at the GoldenGate for some cheap shrimp and crab in an attempt to settle my stomach still recovering from the last 2 nights of alcohol. After dinner, I vow not to drink tonight. Bill runs over to Binion’s to continue drinking vodka and soda and join the 1-2NL game. Apparently, he has been up for a few hours drinking at the Flamingo and is taking the opposite approach of drinking to make himself feel better. I try to play some $3 blackjack but they are training a new dealer and each hand is taking forever. I try to be patient, don’t show my frustration but have to leave before finishing one shoe. Shuffling by hand literally took about 10 minutes the last time. I’m up about $25 and head over to Binion’s.

Get in the game and this hand comes up quickly. I play 5-6 suited (clubs) on the button for 2 bucks and the flop is 4-7-8, 2 hearts. Young kid bets out, I raise, he re-raises, I 4 bet and he moves in. Obviously I call and he says ‘Did you flop it’? What was your first clue? He has top 2 and blanks out. Up close to 200.

Then I donk it back to him. Dealt AK in sb next orbit. Young kid calls, Bill is in BB and I just call like a stupid rookie. Kid has about 80 left. Flop is 6-8-4 and I bet out. Kid calls. Turn is an ace. I bet 20 and he raises it up. I call. River is a blank. I know he has A-6 and I pay him off anyway on the river. I really screwed this up and know it.

Next lap, Bill is UTG and limps in. Middle aged good player raises to 20 on the button. Bill calls?? Everyone else folds. Guy makes comment ‘You limp in and call 20, what are you doing?’ Flop is Jxx. Guy bets 50 and Bill calls. Turn is another small blank. Guy puts Bill all in and he tanks and calls. River is a rag, Bill shows QQ and takes down the pot-double up. Dude shakes his head and Bill says “I know, I played it bad.” Guy replies ‘well, since you said it first, limping and calling 20 with queens is really weak.’ I decide not to let it go and fire back that he won quite a bit of money playing it weak against you. He agrees and shuts up. We play for a while and table becomes tight/tough table. I convince Bill there are better tables to find in Vegas and we should go find it. I leave up +108 after 2 hours. Right before we leave Bill does a shot of Vodka that had to be 5 ounces and downs 2 more vodka’s and soda. Bill says the shot was warm and feels like they microwaved it first. Only time I've ever seen him have to choke down vodka.

We walk out in the square and the lights show is coming on. This is what Bill wanted to come down here for so we watch the show. This has changed since the last time I was here. Scantily clad women dancing provocatively are not what I remember but it’s sure as hell what I’m watching. I look around at some of the less than desirable people standing around me and want to leave when Bill pipes up “This is my kind of place. I like these people. Can we stay downtown next year?” Shut up Bill. This prompts the return of the finger from part one of this story.

We walk down the block and come to the casino with the ads for the .99 cent menu items. My throat hurts and I see the frozen drink sign and I’m drawn like a bug to a light. I usually don’t drink frozen girly drinks especially in public but damn it looks good. We start to walk in and the girl handing out beads stops us and talks to us for a few minutes. At the end of the conversation, she says win a lot of money and pinches my nipple!! WTF!! This can not be the norm even at this casino that has no discernible name. Twice in one day but this chick is hot. I’m not ugly but I’m certainly not good looking enough to have 2 different Vegas waitresses’ grab various body parts on any given day. We go in and Bill immediately starts in.

Bill- You have to [censored] her.
Me- I’m married Bill, so are you, I’m not going to [censored] her.
Bill- Come on dude, her body is smoking, just do it.
Me- What good is it going to do you if I [censored] her? You do it.
Bill- She likes you man, just do it. She needs it. It would be legendary if you did it.
Me- We can’t tell anybody anyway so what’s the point?
Bill- That’s the point of doing it in Vegas, you don’t have to tell anyone.
Me- How is it legendary if you can’t tell anyone? Shut up and go buy us one of everything on the menu. I’m getting a drink.

A couple minutes later Bill had fried Twinkies, Oreos and a Nathan’s hot dog in hand. The Twinkie and Oreo are incredible and definitely would do this again for a buck. Thw whole Oreo including the hard shell have completely melted!! Have to try this next time you’re in Vegas. Anyone that knows the name of this casino, please post it. It’s very small with nothing but slot machines and a bar.

I have a couple more frozen drinks while losing my money I won at BJ at Golden Gate. The bead girl makes a few more stops by to check on me and is chatting me up with her life story. This girl has issues and I will spare the story. Bill notices all this and anytime I walk away he’s all over me to close the deal. I tell him no and the finger comes out again, always in my eye, ear and face. For the 10th time tonight he is warned. Right before we leave, the girl finds me again and tells me someone stole her clothes and now she has to spend a whole $9 at some shop to buy some shorts to drive home in. Is this an angle for 9 bucks or hopefully a ride home? Her breath smells like she just ate an ass-sandwich. I’m confused and decide to leave. She follows me out and wants my cell number. I act like I’m going back in to find a pen, wait a minute and come back out. Tell her I can’t find one and she says to come back tomorrow. Good luck with that. When we are leaving, the other bead girl whom is African American says in a long drawn out sentence “somebody stole your clothesssssssssssss”. I find this hilarious and crack up in front of everyone.

Bill is busy being hustled by some guy trying to sell him passes to clubs and strip bars. I walk up and tell him no thanks and Bill starts telling him he doesn’t trust him and ‘he’s suspect’. The guy doesn’t think it’s quite as funny. I start to pull Bill away but then notice he has toilet paper 2 feet long attached to his shoe. Of course, I don’t tell him but recruit passerby’s to stop, look and take pictures. Finally I grow bored and pull Bill away from his new boyfriend to go play poker. I tell Bill about the toilet paper and in return he tries to kick me with it and wipe it on me. Starting to get pissed.

We head into the Golden Nugget and since I’m a schmuck and have started drinking I decide to continue and play 2-4 limit. Bill in his drunken state is playing 1-2NL. Some guy mentions he just got married so I announce tequila shots for the table. He and one other guy take me up on it. Table sucks. This hand then comes up. I raise KK from EP and get the usual 6 callers. Flop is 2-3-5 and though I know this monstrous flop spells disaster I bet out anyway and I’m called in 3 places. Turn is 6 and I check. The guy in the 10 seat who quite possibly lived with and hunted dinosaurs with spears bets and I call. River is a J and I check-call. He has 6-3 offsuit for 2 pair. Sigh.
I continue to drink Budweiser heavily. I’m UTG with AQ and raise pf. The nice, very attractive lady in the BB 3 bets and I know I’m screwed. Flop is A-Q-5. She bets and I raise. Still a couple other callers. She 3 bets. Son of a bitch. I call. River is a rag. She bets and I call with some other donkey. River is a blank. Bet, call, final donkey folds. AA > AQ. At least I finally got beat by a good hand. Is that a consolation? I walk over to Bill and watch him suck-out AJ>AK and we take a walk. He wants to see the Golden Nugget and a nice lady worker guides us there. Bill tells me he gave the bead girl my business card with my cell phone number. I laugh and we go back to poker.

10 minutes later my phone rings. Bill has what he thinks is a funny joke to call me from the same poker room and I can see him from 15 feet away looking at his phone. I look at my phone but it’s not Bill calling. It’s a 702 number-Vegas. You have to be kidding me. He really gave her my [censored] card. I don’t answer. I play up to my BB and pick up my chips. I walk over to Bill’s table which is down to like 4 players. Some middle aged ugly donkey man with army-issued goggles goes all in preflop for his last 40 bucks with nothing but the 1-2 blinds at stake. Bill calls with KK, 'Goggles'-which Bill has called him 5 times in last 12 seconds has A-10. The flop brings an ace and Bill has 13 bucks left. He gives it to the dealer and we take a walk. Bill announces “I hate you goggles” to the ugly dude and we leave. 2 ½ hours -$70.

I had mentioned to Bill that they sell decks of cards with all the casino logos on them for a buck downtown and he wants to buy some. We go in and he starts with the finger in the face [censored] again. He asks the security guard here as well if he can pay him to beat me up. Guard looks at me and says no. Bill then comes up and punches me in the back of the head-not hard but it’s been enough. He runs away when I turn around and runs into a display case hard. Had to hurt. I pay for my 3 decks of cards and go outside to wait for Bill. He buys like 9 decks and is carrying his plastic bag. I run up and try to smack the stupid out of the back of his head-extremely hard. He stumbles and drops the bag which I promptly run up and kick the crap out of. Decks go everywhere. I'm sure the overhead canopy downtown has never seen such a sight. Bill chases me and while backing up I reach up and slap him. “Stop chasing me Bill, this won’t end well for you.” He chases me more and I continue to smack him and dodge his feeble attempts at revenge. He finally gives up goes to picking up decks of cards. We are supposed to be going to the bus but I guess Bill is really pissed and starts walking the other way. I yell to him the bus is this way but he flips me off and keeps walking.

I talk to a girl at the bus stop and she asks if the guy carrying the bag is my friend. I say yes and she tells me I better go get him because he’s going to lose all his money and he’s wasted. Not my problem anymore, done babysitting. He only has 100 left from the 300 I gave him anyway. I talk with her for awhile and ask her to wake me up at the Flamingo if I pass out on the bus. She says she will. She remembers about 30 seconds to late and wakes me up as we’re passing the Flamingo. I get off at Planet Hollywood and start the walk back. When I’m going up the outdoor escalator to cross the street I experience an African-American hooker proposal.

Street worker-Where are you going?
Me- home
SW- Where’s home?
Me- Flamingo
SW- Can I go with you?
Me- NO
SW- It would be a lot of fun.
Me- I’m sure it would but I need to be responsible.
SW- You can be responsible. Not being responsible is going out and getting drunk.
Me- I already did that.
SW- So let me come with you. We will have a good time.
Me- Not tonight, thanks.

She turns to another girl following her, I guess a hooker in training, and tells her I’m grouchy. I laugh at this and wonder how exactly it is that I’m grouchy since I tell her I’m just not interested.

Recap-+$98 for the day, -$621 for the trip. 1 shot of Tequilla, 4 Pina Colada’s and 6 Bud’s. 1 ass grab, 1 massage’, 1 nipple pinch and one prostitute encounter. 1 well deserved bitch slapping of Bill.

Next issue: The end of Bill's night downtown, lots of poker, return to the 'V'.

Wildpike, these are easily the most entertaining trip reports I've read since I've been on this board. Most people have a friend like Bill and can totally relate with your babysitting issues

Keep up the good work and JAGER BOMBS AND PETRON FOR EVERYONE!

Bill is an awesome character. I think you could base a situational comedy around interactions between you two. I keep reading this at work and start laughing out loud. My coworkers are beginning to get annoyed with me. That "joke" with the business card had me in tears. I think you need to start adding Bill's tab to your daily win/loss statement. He sounds like expensive company to keep.

@wildpike La Bayou, at 15 Fremont St. Bon appetit.

They're playing at the V tonight, I'm seriously considering going down there to meet this Bill character. LOL... definitely a trip report for the AVP Hall of Fame.

@allvegaspoker

OMG, you have to. And someone take/post a picture. I'm dying to know what these guys look like. I'm picturing wildpike as a tall, nice looking, sorta conservative guy and Bill as a short shaved monkey running around screaming and pestering him as they walk down the strip.

This is easily the most hilarious, entertaining trip report ever. Can't wait to read how it ends.

Just don't let Bill into TI or we AVPers will be blackballed.

La Bayou, at 15 Fremont St. Bon appetit.

I thought the place was called mermaids.

@thedrjayman You're right that it could have been Mermaids, if they stumbled across the street. La Bayou is on the south side of Fremont next to Golden Gate, Mermaids is on the opposite side of Fremont next to Las Vegas Club, and those two little slot joints are sister properties with the same ownership, doing the same kitschy stuff.

They would have gotten hustled and given beads at either, but as I think about it, it probably was more likely that it was Mermaids instead of La Bayou for the deep fried Twinkies and Oreos. Mermaids is better known, but not exactly famous.

Here are some photos, so maybe he can pick out the right one:

La Bayou

Mermaids

It is Mermaids

wildpike. nice trip report. its very funny.

@wildpike Then here's a little downtown gastronomic souvenir for ya, as a token of appreciation of your report sir, while you work on Chapter IV for us:

Oreos and Twinkies

@Local Rock Then here's a little downtown gastronomic souvenir for ya, as a token of appreciation of your report sir, while you work on Chapter IV for us:

Oreos and Twinkies[/quote]

My arteries are hardening just LOOKING at those. But I can't wait to try them in less than two weeks

Note to self - When slumming in Downtown, I must remember to bring the cholestrol pills

First off, thanks for all the kind words and encouragement on the report

Wednesday

I left Bill downtown with the last hundred dollars he had from the $300 I gave him that morning. He was completely plastered even by his standards and I did not have hi hopes of my friend making it back with any money. I actually even had thoughts that I may have to ride the bus back downtown to give him 2 bucks to get back with. 8:30am the door opens.

Bill- Here's your $400 bucks back.
Me- Well keep some of it. You will need it to gamble with.
Bill- I won $1000.
Me- How did you manage that? Did you roll a hooker?
Bill- No. I went back to Binion's and won it all there. The guy from the QQ hand was there and kept trying to bluff me out of the pot every time I had a big hand. He gave me like $600 and other people gave me the rest.
Me- Was he pissed?
Bill- He wasn't very happy. It took me like 2 hours to get back here.
Me- WTF. Did the buses stop coming?
Bill- No. I passed out and woke up at the Excalibur and didn't know where I was. It cost me $20 to get back.
Me- What?? From the Excalibur to the Flamingo was $20?
Bill- Yep
Me- Did you pass out in the cab also?
Bill- Yep
Me- That explains it.
Bill- Explains what?
Me- Nevermind. Go to sleep. Nice win.

I wake up about noon and don't even bother to see if Bill wants to gambool. Go downstairs to play in the Flamingo room and decide if I should go back to sleep or not. The spitter from NJ is back. There are 3 open seats and this a-hole keeps moving away from the blinds but never has to post. The 2 young guys at the end of the table notice this but dont ask the dealer anything so I chime in. Apparently, while playing at the Flamingo there is no rule that you have to post if you move away from the blinds even if it's like 6 seats away. Spitter gets up to piss in someone else's ear at another table and tell an unbelievably boring story for the 3rd time in 20 minutes. I tell one guy where to sit and I move to a different seat. This puts all 3 empty chairs in a row and an end to this clown's anti-posting BS. When the idiot comes back, he starts to say "oh sh*t, that guy left, I was going to ask him..." and then he looks up and sees me and shuts up. I reply, "no, im still here, ask whatever you want". NJ-no, nevermind. Me-go ahead and ask, I'm sure I have the answer for whatever you need. This shuts him up for good, something I would have laid 50-1 on would never happen. Pus*y. I sit for awhile and become increasingly annoyed by the rule. Any table that was shorthanded, like 5-6 people, you could move around and NEVER post. I rack up and leave 18 bucks down in 45 minutes. Stupid rule Flamingo. Fix it.

I will warn you here that I decided to slow myself on the drinking and almost everything here is poker related. Kind of a silly warning for a poker forum but now you've been told.

I place a bet against my beloved St. Louis Cardinals at $15/$10 to lose against Dontrelle WIllis since the Cards suck, Kip Wells sucks and is the starter and they can't score any runs. I decide to walk down to Planet Hollywood since I haven't been there since the re-model. I was not a big fan of Aladdin before. I have to say I wasnt expecting much but I like the room and the casino. The dealers are lightning fast and the floor is professional. It's pretty loud around the outside, especially at night when the piano bar is going but if you can block it out, I like the room overall.

The 10 seat is open in the 1-2NL game and I sit down and look at the 6 seat's pile of chips. He is a young kid with like $1500 in front of him. The 5 seat has like $450 and everyone else has more than 200. I ask what the max is looking at the chip stacks and it's 200. Has to be a major fish in this game, just need to find him. I buy in for the max and it takes about 3 seconds for me to find the fish. The action is folded around to the 5 seat with $450 and EVERYONE is watching him. Here's the fishy. Raise to 20 and like 3 callers. Before the hand is done, it's like a $400 pot and the fish suckouts vs. the young Australian kid. He winces a little bit but tells 'David" nh. In the next 30 minutes, I'm trying any excuse to get in a hand with this guy but can't find it. I'm in early position and the UTG player makes it $12 and I call with AsQs. 2 callers behind including David. Flop is A-Q-6 with 2 hearts. UTG makes it 30 and I notice he only has about 100 total. I raise it to 90 hoping David calls with something as I'm sure UTG has AK and will pay me off. If's folded back to UTG and says 'you have AQ don't you". Subliminally I tell him no, that I'm on a heart draw and he should call. He shows me AK and folds it face up. Great laydown. I finally get a huge hand and a guy with a short stack makes one of the better laydowns I've seen in a 1-2NL game in Vegas. Crap, but you have my respect. David then busts this guy on some BS hand.3 and has close to $700. He then loses this $700 mostly to the Aussie kid on his left in less that half an hour. He stands up from the table and everyone holds their breath. Aussie--Are you coming back?? David--Of course, just need to hit the ATM. Exhale.

$200 more for David. 10 minutes later-ATM. This time only $100. He doubles this up to $200 and then this hand comes up. I have A6c on the button and there are 6 players including me. Flop is J-9-4 all clubs. Everyone checks. Turn is 2 of yellow bananas and David bets $15, I raise to $50 and David pushes all in with both hands. He has 8-2 of clubs. Thanks for the chips, would you like another escort to the ATM? Only this time he doesnt return-has to catch a flight in a few hours. David is plastered and one of the guys asks if he's the pilot. Thankfully he says no. I apologize for running off the table ATM but no big deal. They estimate he lost $3400 in 5 hours at the table. The aussie has 2 hundred dollar bills in front of him that he won before the chip runner could get back to the table. I truly believe the numbers and wish I would have gotten here sooner. The table breaks almost instantly and I'm moved to a more reasonable table. From here I can see the TV and the Birds scored 6 runs in the 2nd against Dontrelle. I take a walk to find a trash can to put my betting ticket in and notice many hotties which I of course follow. They walk into a Hooters competition and I sware every hot woman in Vegas is at Planet Hollywood right now. I forget about poker and watch the ladies walk in waiting for one of them to pinch my nipple and take me in with them. My timing for nipple pinching is off however and it never comes and I return to poker.

I can't remember winning any hands at all at this table. I'm at a $175 profit. Sadly, I realize this is my biggest score on this trip and start to lose focus. This table seems extremely tough after coming off the fish pond and I take a walk afler 3 hours, up 175 but plan to return the next night to the 2 am tourney. BIll has to leave at midnight Thur and I figure I might as well play this tourney Thursday and have it be the last thing I do before heading back at noon on Friday.

Its about 6pm and I told Bill to call me when he gets up and wants to eat. I have had nothing all day. I call him and he's already playing in the Flamingo tourney. B*ast*rd. I figure I'll sweat him for a while and we will grab some grub. I walk into the poker room which is right off the strip and the first thing I see is Bill standing in a chair, holding a vodka and diet, rooting for a 4. 4? How did you get all your money in needing a 4 to save you? A miracle happens, the 4 hits, angels sing and it's snowing on Las Vegas Blvd. The table erupts in laughter and Bill hops off his chair and apologizes to some guy that does not look amused. I talk to him on the break and he tells me there's no way he can eat-his stomach is messed up-but he's starting to feel better since he started drinking. Shocking. He says the structure is terrible and it will be a donk-push fest the rest of the way. I tell him he has to a favorite in a donk fest and wish him luck.

Grab a $10 comp from the manager and head to the buffet. The line is longer than a mullet at a Lynrd Skynrd concert and decide to hit the cafe instead. $17 for a plate of noodles and a soda. Strike 2 Flamingo.

During dinner, I decide it's time to return to the V. I feel like a kid getting back on a horse or Matt Damon walking back into the dungeon in Rounders. I see Brad Booth in the secluded parlor room which I'm sure I'm not supposed nosing around in. He has a mountain of black chips in front of him. Gabriel Thaler from Binion's cash game show is there also and has just as much of a weird shaped alien head as it looks like on TV-possibly worse.

I buy in for $300 and tell myself that Monday was just bad luck and there is nothing to fear about this room.
Hand #1- I have AK in the BB (seat 9), utg limps as does the button and sb. No more being a bi!ch and I raise it to $15. UTG calls and everyone else folds. Flop is K-9-8. I bet $30 and UTG calls. Turn is Q. I bet $35. UTG calls. River is a J. I check. UTG checks and shows K-J. $80-poof. Welcome back to the Venetian sir. FIRST HAND!!!!

It goes a lap and I have AQ utg. KJ guy gets up and leaves the table. Crap. I raise to $10 and a new player in seat 2 calls. Flop is Q-6-4 rainbow. I bet 20 and he calls. Turn is 8 putting a 2 flush-clubs on board. I bet $35 and he calls. River is K of diamonds. I check and he bets 15?? Smells like a vaule bet but of course I have to call and he show AJ clubs. Ty sir. Nice bluff attempt. Back to even.

Now things finally start to click and my hands hold up. I push the nice Asian lady in seat 10 off a hand with a total bluff and pick up 50 bucks. Now she's starting to wonder what I had when I pick up QQ in the BB. She raises to 10 utg, MP calls, I re-raise, she tanks way to long and moves in for $115 total and I call. QQ>10-10 and I'm up and rolling. I flop top set vs a donkey that never had me beat in the hand anyway and pick up another $100.

Then this hand comes up. I'm in the sb and a tight player utg raises to $10. A solid good player throws in $25 and one look at him tells me he has a monster. Folded to me and I have KK. I have about $550 in front of me and he has about 500. I get a sick feeling but pop it to 100 anyway. UTG folds and this guy who looks like 'sbrugby' pretty much insta calls. Please no ace on the flop. A-6-3, 2 diamonds, I don't have one. I think for a few seconds and clumsily put in $125 expecting a big raise with no idea what I'm going to do if he moves in or makes it $300. He doesn't take long however and folds his QQ face up. Phew. I play a while longer and a very small Vietnamese kid-maybe like 140 lbs-sits down and orders a shot of Hennessey. They bring him half a gallon and I wonder if he can finish it. An hour or so later he does and orders another one. I really want to see him get up and walk. The table is starting to change, I'm into my 8th hour of poker for the day and order my first drink. It's 2am I order a glass of red wine-I know it's gay-so it can help me go to sleep when I get back to the Flamingo. Finish that and I'm gone. The kid never does get up so I miss out on that and decide to walk back. Up 270 at the V for 4 hours.

I collect chips and don't have one from Harrah's and decide to relax for an hour and play some limit while pocketing a chip. They have a 3-6 limt game going with 5 crasians (crazy-asians), a german-dutch kid, an old american foul mouthed a-hole and now me in the 3 seat. It doesnt take long to realize this is a no fold em hold em shootout and I reserve myself to the fact that I will get drawn out on. Just be patient and win a pot or 2 and you should show a profit. I order more wine and get beat by a gut shot draw that hits in a pot over $100 bucks. The one crasian directly to my left does seem to have some sort of starting hand requirements. I 3 bet AK and then he 4 bets. The flop is rags and by the time it gets to me it's already 2 bet--which is somewhat meaningless--but I know the 3 bet is coming behind me so I fold. He 3 bets and I pat myself on the back. The turn and river are small diamonds putting a 3-flush diamond on board and the guy on my left turns over 10-3 of diamonds. Guess I need to change my read of this guy. He drags in another pot over $100 with his flush. More wine. I see a flop that was 2 bet pre flop with J-10 hearts. Flop is 8-9 hearts and a rag. I 3 bet this flop and the original raiser 4 bets it and i call. Turn is a rag. I call 1 bet. River is a J and I make a crying call since this pot is also over $100. He shows 8--J for 2 pair. Had a few outs here. I show my open ender and if I would have hit one way, the hi-hand is 300 and the other was 500. Oh well. More wine. I play for one hour, have 3 glasses of wine and never did win one hand. One hour, -$91. It pains me to leave this table but it's like 5am and I'm tired as hell. It's 7am where I live but I still feel like I'm getting old. Back to the Flamingo for some sleep. Bill is actually in bed first for once. That can't be a good sign for the bankroll.

Wednesday tally. +336 for the day. -$315 for the trip. 4 glasses of Merlot.

Next installment: Lots of Poker. Caesars, PH cash game play and 2am tourney. Bill leaves early but has a revelation.

Nice that things are turning around for you. When are you going to collect interest on your loan to Bill?

Wildpike,

Im enjoying the trip reports keep It up. I believe the noname casino your a referring to is "Mermaids". Fried oreo, if you dont have a heart attack while eating this thing you will be back for more.

Thursday--Don't Call it a Comeback

I wake up after about my usual 4 hours of sleep, lay there for an hour but know I won't fall back asleep. Down to the pool and hopefully the sun will make me tired. It doesn't and I guess I wll have to play some more poker after a shower and some food.

Bill is awake and lets me know he busted out of the tournament about 6 away from the money. I think with the big draw the Flamingo gets for it's donkaments this means he finished next to last. He then lost his first $150 buy-in after about 5 hours of play. His next $150 buy-in lasted about 12 hands and off to bed down about $500 on the day. Hey, you had 37 vodka and diets though. Who needs food? He tells me at one point he got mad the waitress was taking to long so he walked to the bar that is literally like 8 feet away from the poker room and ordered a drink. My guess is she was gone about 90 seconds. He goes to hand the bartender a dollar and he says 'uhhh, thats 8 bucks'. Bill-I'm playing poker right there. Bartender--The waitress has to bring them to you and I have to charge up here. Bill-you just keep it then. Bartender-what am I going to do with it? I'll just have the waitress bring it to you. Only Bill and only in Vegas.

The flight I have scheduled is way overbooked so Bill has to leave tonight on a connecting flight. One look at him tells me he is cashed for the trip and won't likely do to much today. The last thing he ate was the fried Oreo Tuesday night. It's noon on Thursday. I walk up to the Venetian and grab some pizza with the intention of playing there. After I eat, for some reason I decide to go to Caesar's instead. I've only played there once and didn't like it that much. The room is nice, clean and the dealers efficient but the overall atmosphere just puts me to sleep. That being said, for some reason I want to go back. As I'm walking to the poker room, it dawns on me, I've been here 5 days and this is the first time I've crossed the street. Again, only in Vegas.

I'm seated with 300 and win a couple small pots and up to 375. As is my usual this week, I slowly dwindle my stack down with trash cards, ill advised bluffs and a few small suckouts. Back to 300 and an overacting kid with about 80 bucks left raises to 8 bucks. 2 more callers and I have 6-9 of spades. I call so I can turn my luck around. Get it?
Anyway, the flop is Q-6-6. I check with the intention of check raising and it's checked around. Hmmm? QQ is the first thing that pops into my mind. The turn is a 9. I bet 25 and he calls. The river is another 9 and I honestly check it. Kid goes all in for his last 52 and I seriously consider mucking it. This would either be the best laydown or biggest nit move I ever make. Since its only 52. I call and he shows QQ. Can I lay this hand down at these limits? Comments wanted.

I have $205 and its 5pm. Utg makes it 10 and I have AA for the second time all week. I make it 30 and utg calls. The flop is harmless and I bet out and take down the pot. The utg who was in the 10 seat gets up and a middle aged guy sits down in his seat with $500. Bad timing bud.

He buys the button while I'm in the BB. A very tight player in the 9 seat mini-raises to $6. The 10 seat calls and I pop it to $30 with KK worried about the mini-raiser. He folds but the button calls. Flop is K-10-8. I bet $50 and he calls. Turn is 9 and I bet like $120 and he cold calls again. What can he have? The river is a 7 putting a 4 straight on the board and I only have $40 bucks left. I check and he checks back. I show and win the pot. Still not sure what he had here but I'm up over $400 in my stack.

15 minutes later I'm under the gun with KK again. I raise to $10 and get 3 callers including the guy from the previous hand now in the sb. Flop is Q-10-2 with 2 diamonds. I bet $50 and it's folded to the small blind who immediately moves in for around $200. Set, diamonds, steaming?? I call. Turn is a small diamond. Sh!t. River is K of clubs. I show my kings and he folds. I ask him if he had AQ and he says I'm very close but he had about 10 outs. Well if I'm close and the diamonds missed him, wtf did he have or is he just full of crap? The K would hit a straight with that many outs, the diamond hits any hand with that many outs, anything else has like 5 outs tops. I think he's full of crap and had AQ like I thought but if someone can figure this out, please comment away. It's 5:15pm and I have $650.

Bill calls at 6pm and is leaving the room for the first time and coming over to meet me.I cash out $623, up 323 for 4 1/2 hours. I'm officially ahead for the first time all week. He is done gambling and even with drinking. We walk through Caesar's and then through the Bellagio where it seems everyone has at least a grand in front of them at every limit-most have much more. I sweat a 5-10 NL game and kick myself for having not played this all week. Some of the players are absolutely terrible. My next time here, I'm playing the bigger games first and I don't care how long it takes to get ahead-the drinking will have to come after I'm up and then I will play small and get crazy drunk. I've screwed around with the small time for years, grown my roll up over 35k and never played live higher than 2-5NL.

We walk outside and the fountains are going off. I ask Bill if he's ever seen this and he hasn't. At the risk of looking like a couple, we shoot the sh!t for a while on the rail of the Bellagio fountain. Bill admits he feels terrible and still hasn't eaten in 2 days or does he want to. There has been zero gambling, alcohol or food for Bill today as he sat in the room and called some of his clients. Alcohol has apparently given him enough calories to sustain life for the last 48 hours. He tells me he can't come out here for 5 nights anymore or he's afraid he will die. I tell him I'm not coming for less than 3 so we decide on 4 next year. Screw you Bill, I plan this trip and 5 will be the norm for all trips to Vegas. A guy walks by that looks similar to the Canadian at Imperial Palace and I laugh a little bit and Bill asks why.

Me- That guy looks like the Canadian from the Imperial Palace.
Bill- What Canadian?
Me- You don't remember the Canadian guy we played poker with for like 5 hours and you sat next to the whole time?
Bill- No, not at all.
Me- Remember, I told him the moose c*ck joke?
Bill- No
Me- Do you remember Faith Hill?
Bill- No
Me- Did you remember to bring your decks of cards back from Binions?
Bill- Yes, but I left them on the bus.
Me- Do you remember me smacking you in the head?
Bill- You smacked me in the head? Why?
Me- Nevermind. Did you even have fun on this trip?
Bill- Hell yes, I had a blast.
Me- How do you know? You don't remember any of it.
Bill- I think I need to re-evaluate my lifestyle.

The fountains end and it's time for Bill to pack up and catch a cab. He wishes me luck, thanks for getting the room and off he goes. I tell him to call me when he gets to the airport and let me know how much the cab was. $11. A little more than half what it took to get to the hotel. If I ever see that lizard looking cabbie again, I will strangle him with his own tongue.

I walk over to Planet Hollywood and get in a game about 8pm. If I can avoid getting cold decked and pissed off, I plan to play the 2am tourney and call it a week. 6 hours is a long way off though. I sit in a game with 3 friends from Phoenix that I sware look they haven't gotten out of high school yet. Another young guy about 25 fires at every pot they enter and is pushing them around. They do catch on however and start firing back. I'm just hoping I can get the right hand in the middle of this battle and win a monster pot. The 25 year old busts 2 of them but then the 3rd guy starts playing every hand and hitting everything. He leaves with close to 800 and I can only imagine how good it would have felt to win that much at 21. No way he's any older than that and this is most likely his first time in a Vegas card room. The table breaks and I move to the next one.

The piano bar starts up around the corner from the poker room and makes it hard to concentrate. He has like 3 sets and is off an on all night until the tournament starts. On top of it, he's really not even that good. If you can't block stuff like this out, you may want to try a different room from 10pm-2am.

I start talking to a guy from Nashville that says his gf was in the Hooters competition the night before. I doubt it looking at this guy but I play along and he tells me she won the viewer's choice and 5k but didn't make it in the top 10 from the judges so they were pretty disappointed. Half an hour later, a gorgeous brunette comes to the rail, probably the best looking girl I saw all week (which is saying a lot in Vegas) and he hops up and gives her a kiss. I guess he was telling the truth. I turn to the guy next to me and ask him what he thinks the top 10 looked like.

It's about 1am and I have been very card dead for about 2 hours but still about even. Finally, I get QQ in the sb and pop it to $20 after several limpers. I've learned from my earlier mistakes this week, making it 10 and 12 when this would work like a charm on the internet doesn't cut it live. I used to play live all the time but kids and job have kept me from it Have to make bigger raises live. The utg calls and everyone else folds. The flop is Axx and I C-bet 25 and he raises to 50. Mr. Green shirt is a donk but I swallow my pride and fold my worthless QQ face up. He shows me A-8 offsuit and I file this away for later. A girl comes in now and sits in the one seat, wanting to play for an hour before the tourney. The deck absolutely runs her over and she plays her cards well anyway. She's up close to $600 at 1:30 I decide to cash out and wait for the tourney a few minutes later as I dont want to get stacked this close to 2am and get pissed off. 5 1/2 hours, -$46.

You can re-enter the tourney as an alternate but I decide I'm only spending $60 more this trip and just the one buy in. If I can win about 100 bucks I will about even for the trip. Start with 4000 in chips. I order a Sobe and vodka to help keep me awake.

Hand #1 I have AQ in MP and raise it up to 60 (20 is the bb). Guy next to me calls and flop is 4-6-8 rainbow. I c-bet 100 and he calls. Turn is ace. I bet 250 and he calls. River is a 4 and I bet 250 again, show and win. Chip Leader baby.

Hand #3 I have A-7 suited and limp utg as I'm the only one who has raised to far. I get away with it, and the button and both blinds call. The flop is A-10-7 and the flop bets 60 and I make it 200. Turn is an ace. BB bets 250, I make 1000 and he pushes in. I call and he shows 77 and I'm doubled up early.

I win another big pot when some smart ass thinks I'm bluffing the whole way after I flopped a boat and he's telling me I have nothing but he calls the whole way and folds on the river. Who has nothing? I look over and the girl from the cash game is running up to re-enter the tourney. Myself and the guy in the 9 seat are running over the table. I'm doing it with solid starting hands and he's doing it with suited cards he pushes on the flop with and hits flushes on the turn-twice. He now has a bigger stack than I and we stay out of each other's way when possible the rest of the first hour.

Another Sobe and vodka please. There is a five dollar chip sitting on the floor near me and I'm deciding if I should pocket it or give it to the dealers when my drink arrives. I pick up the chip and give it to the waitress along with my one. Buying some Karma baby. I'm still running well 20 minutes into the 2nd hour when I play this hand like crap. The limits are 200-400 and I make it 1500 utg with ah-10h. The button moves in for like 4k and the bb insta calls. I tank and stupidly call rationalizing that I have a big stack and can still make some moves if I lose. The hands are AK and QQ and the QQ wins. This is by far the worst call I make all week and my stack is just above average now at 10K. A few hands later at 300-600, the aggressive guy raises a limper and now I have QQ. I call and he has AJ and I double up to 20. The girl from the cash game that re-bought moves to the 10 seat and has everyone at the table covered by a lot. I chop with the aggressive guy AJ v AJ I dwindle and fold most of the 500-1000 level and dont have much room to manuever.

3rd hour starts with 1k-2k and I only have about 12k in chips. The guy on my right has moved in twice in a row and does it a 3rd time when I have AQ. I call and the girl tanks and calls with 44. The other guy shows A-10 and for some reason I am surprisingly calm even with my bad luck in donkaments. I hit my Q on the river and triple up. The girl comments that she thought we both may be pusing with junk and had to call. I disagree, the first guy may have junk but I'm not calling him with crap. Have to know there are at least 3 if not 4 overcards to 44 and she's not much of a favorite anymore if at all.

We're down to about 9 players at 2 tables and we each lose 3 pretty quickly. I have about 30k and I take another 4k from a guy that played like 4 hands the whole tourney. A little to selective in starting hand requirements for a donkament there bud. The floor announces that when we get to 10, we will consolidate and before he's done talking, we each lose one and down to 9. It pays 6, 6th is about $125 and first is $700.

I order my final Sobe and Vodka for the final table and I'm about 3-4 in stack size with 3 of the 9 in bad shape. Down to 7 pretty quickly. When it gets here, it's suggested that first and second give whoever goes out in 7th-- $30 a piece so they get the money back on the bubble. It's agreed and the guy in 5th moves in with JJ. Another small stack calls him with A-6, hits his ace and we are down to 6. Shortest stack at the table moves in next and gets 2 callers. One of them wins and we are down to 5. It's 2-4k and I have about 23k. The utg player, who is the one that called me earlier with the A-8 in the cash game for $20 makes it $10k. I have QQ again, the most popular hand of the tourney and the same holding I had vs. him earlier, and move in risking my tourney life in 5th when 3rd should have been a pretty easy score. The BB who is the short stack calls with A-6? The utg has 88 and I show my QQ. An ace hits the flop and we both blank out. I lose the main but win the side and actually make a litte with 32K now. The previous short stack goes crazy with any ace now and pushes with A-7. The 88 guy now has my QQ (wtf?) calls and now we're at 4. Aggressive guy wins a few small pots and I'm now the short stack. However, he moves in with A-10 suited and I have AK and call. A king on the flop cripples him and he goes out 2 hands later. The final 3 are myself, the girl and the A-8 guy all from the same cash game. There were 48 entries and we were all in the same cash game a few hours earlier. Crazy game.

We move to 3-6K and all have about 60K in chips. The girl and I take turns attacking the 3rd player's blinds and whittle him down to about 20K. She finally finishes him off when they both move in with aces and her kicker plays. Serves you right for calling with Ace-rag all night. We both have about 90K, the blinds are moving to 4-8K and the payouts are first for $700 and second is $400. Neither one of us has won a Vegas tourney and want to play it out but decide to re-distribute the money to $500 and $600 since we're both so close in chips. We trade blinds for about 4 hands and the final hand comes up. She immediately goes all-in and I look down at JJ. Normally, this is a very easy call heads up but since I've watched her play for hours now in the cash game and the tourney, I know she has a strong holding and take a minute to think about it. I tank and ask her if she can beat QQ. She gulps hard and I immediately call. She has 10-10, me JJ, no help on the flop and she is left with 5k. I win the next hand and honestly don't even know what the cards are. Ship the $600 and the bracelet. You have just won the prestigious 2am Planet Hollywood donkament!! I give 7th place $30 and the dealers $20. The top 6 all agreed to the same amount of tip. This leaves me with $550 and minus the entry fee, I'm up $490 from the tourney. Hugs and kisses all around and I'm out the door for a few hours sleep before my flight. The money is great, I've won live tournaments and online before but it just feels different winning one in Vegas. Maybe this is just me but I'm floating right now after winning a 'Vegas tournament' even if it was a 2am donkament.

As soon as I walk outside, 3 hookers start to approach me. I grab my phone and put it my ear to call my wife (it's now after 7am where I live) with tales of tournament winnings and this repels them like garlic to a vampire. This happens twice more on the way to the hotel. I am approached, they see the phone and scatter. Tip-if you need to repel street girls, get on the cell phone. Today has been good. +767 in cash games and tourneys for the day. +452 for the trip. 3 sobe and vodkas that actually made me feel my heart pumping through my chest. I am extremely happy with being ahead at all after the week started so bad.

I drop 10 bucks in a rigged-automated roulette machine the next morning and off to the airport for an $11 cab ride. You have been warned lizard man.

Thanks for reading and for all the kind comments. I know this was extremely long and I hope you weren't bored along the way. Look forward to next year's trip with more friends in tow and being able to report back to you. Good luck to you all. See you at the tables.

Congrats on the win and being up for the trip. The reports were long but very enjoy able to read. Ill have to remember to drink some sobe and vodka when playing in the 2 am tournament.

Epic. Nice job. Sobe didnt help me even cash in the two PH tourneys I played but glad you took it down.

If I have half the stories you told after my next Vegas trip in October I know I will have had a great time. Now I just need to figure out who I'm going to slap.

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. This, by far, is the most entertaining post I've read. Great Report.

Just had to comment. I was sitting there in stitches reading about Bill and the day. Glad that you look at life like many of us should. Keep fighting the good fight! Best to Bill!